Sorting (Part 1) by Christoph Schertler

Sorting (Part 1)

NLP looks at the term, "sorting" as the process of filtering and labeling the information your brain collects about people, situations, environments, and so on. More specifically, it is the process of trying to find a specific piece of information.

For example, when you are reading an article like this one, you might be sorting for information that relates to your experiences. You might have a conflict with a person in your life and while you are reading this Ezine, you are sorting for some information that could help you to resolve the conflict. Likewise, when you are shopping in the super market and want to buy some ice cream, you are sorting the aisle signs for the words "ice cream."

While you are sorting for some specific information, your brain is collecting vast amounts of data, which either fits or does not fit the sorting criteria. The data that is irrelevant to your goal is discarded and quickly deleted from your memory, unless otherwise relevant. As far as your brain is concerned, there is no need to remember information that does not bring you closer to your goal. It is more efficient to just ignore it.

The process of sorting is quite simple to explain as a technical concept. However, it becomes a lot more complex when you look at what role sorting plays in relationships. What kind of sorting takes place when people interact with each other? What role does sorting play for successful communication? The way I see it, sorting is a core ingredient to both functional and dysfunctional relationships.

Sorting by Positive and Negative

This is a category that applies to the majority of people. We sort by positive or negative, which means we look for the good or the bad both in circumstance and people. Let's take the example of two friends who trust each other blindly and have shared many years of friendship and kindness. When they talk to each other, they naturally are sorting for the positive, i.e. they are searching for positive, kind and empowering statements made by the other. If something ambiguous is said, both will naturally choose to interpret it in the positive sense. "Wow, your new jacket looks different" could mean both that it looks horrible or pretty. Among close friends this statement will most likely not be seen as an insult, but as praise.

On the other hand, when two people have a dysfunctional relationship, "Wow, your new jacket looks different" might very well be taken as an insult. Once people have hurt each other and trust has been broken, they tend to sort for the negative. Anything negative said or done by the person they don't trust is automatically emphasized, whereas anything positive is ignored or marginalized. Once people start sorting by the negative, their relationship with the other person is likely to deteriorate further.

Consider this story as an example of how sorting affects our experience of reality: There once were two identical twin brothers who only differed in their attitude towards life. One of them looked at life as a constant string of successes, interrupted occasionally by failures. The other looked at life as a constant string of failures, interrupted occasionally by successes. As they grew older and older, both their lives had the equal amount of failures and successes. Neither was doing better or worse than the other. Finally, when they were lying on their deathbeds, one of them was happy and the other was bitter. Interestingly, both thought to themselves: "I was right about the nature of life."

When people sort for the positive, they are trying to find what is good and right about a situation or a person. When they sort for the negative, they want to discover what is wrong and how something can fail. The exact same challenging situation can be experienced as a chance for improvement and innovation by the success sorter and as a devastating, cynical turn of fate by the failure sorter.

Sorting by Self and Other

Are you judging a situation by what value it holds for you or by what value it holds for others? Are you basing your choices on your best interest or the best interest of the people you interact with? There is a Buddhist saying: "All suffering in this world is created by actions done for oneself and all happiness is created by actions done for others."

Sorting by self is probably one of the most common causes of conflict between people. While we pursue a course of action that favors our strengths and avoids our weaknesses - a course that meets our needs - we fail to meet the needs of those around us. When we sort by other, we empower others and as a result build strong and trusting relationships that can draw joy and success into our lives. Of course, blindly sorting by other without any regard for your own needs might not always be the wisest choice. Most people are familiar with the rule on aircrafts: "In case of an air pressure drop, first put the oxygen mask on yourself, then on your child." Obviously you can't help your child when you are unconscious. Finding the right balance between sorting by self and by other is a lifelong fine-tuning process that everybody has to explore for themselves.

The Sorting Process

So what decides the criteria by which we sort? What makes us sort for a particular kind of information? One way we sort for information is related to tasks. For example, finding teeth with cavities (dentist), finding a particular face for an ad (advertising designer), or buying the right kind of jam for your kid's sandwich (parents). This is the straight-forward "getting the job done" kind of sorting.

Another way of sorting relates to our interest. Someone who loves to cook Asian food will stop zapping through the TV channels once he finds an Asian cooking show. Someone who enjoys jazz music is likely to stop and listen when she walks past a jazz bar.

Sorting becomes more complex when it relates to our relationships with ourselves and with others. This kind of sorting helps us determine who we are, who others are, and what our relationship with them is. It is governed by what we believe about ourselves and others.

Sorting by Beliefs

Our beliefs govern what we sort for. Science teaches us that the "evidence" leads to a "conclusion." However, when it comes to human psychology, this principle also works the other way: Once there is a "conclusion", your mind will work overtime to provide the "evidence." In other words, if you believe something, you begin to sort for information that validates that belief.

Beliefs about Self
Whatever it is you believe about yourself, you will sort for information that validates it. For example, let's say you believe you are not tall enough to be regarded as beautiful. If that is your belief, you will most likely actively sort for a stranger looking you up and down with a frown on his/her face. Once you found one, you will interpret the look you get as critical of your height. A little voice inside your head will say: "See, that person looks at you and thinks you are not tall enough. It is the sad truth, you are not tall enough."

The same goes for weight, birth marks, acne, and so on. And, of course, the things you can believe about yourself are not limited to physical attributes. People think of themselves as intelligent, dumb, shy, funny, great or bad with people/animals, athletic, slim, overweight, boring, interesting and so forth. Whatever they believe about themselves becomes the ruling factor for what they sort for, and how they interpret situations and interact with people.

Beliefs about Others
Likewise, what you believe about others affects what you sort for when interacting with them. Let's say in a work scenario you believe your colleague A at work is trustworthy and a friend; you will look for examples in her behavior that demonstrate the truth of that belief. If she tells you that she read your report for the meeting once more before it is being sent to your mutual boss, to make sure nothing has been left out, you will think: "Great, she is looking out for me." The fact that she read the report one more time becomes proof that she is truly a trustworthy friend.

On the other hand, if colleague B, who you believe to be a unfriendly and scheming person did the exact same thing, you would probably think: "Why is he reading my report again? Is he trying to find a mistake so he can make me look bad in front of our boss? Does he want my job? What is he up to?" The fact that colleague B read your report again will be sorted as proof that he is unfriendly and scheming. Once again, the information is used to validate the initial belief. The same situation is interpreted in two completely different ways, based on the different beliefs you have about your two colleagues.

The same process applies to any of our beliefs. Once we believe something, we sort through all the information available, looking for evidence that validates our belief. This can make our lives happy or miserable, depending on whether we have positive and empowering or negative and disempowering beliefs about the world, ourselves, and others.

Once we form negative beliefs, life becomes difficult. Our negative beliefs compel us to sort for the negative as to validate them. Validating negative beliefs makes you miserable (e.g. "Ah, yes, I was right, I am a failure"). NLP provides great tools for working on belief issues and in future articles I will speak more about how beliefs are formed and about strategies to replace negative beliefs with positive ones.

Exercises

As an exercise, try to pay attention to what you are sorting for in your daily life. Building awareness of your sorting process will help you to identify some of your positive and negative beliefs, which is an important step towards self- empowerment.

If you want to weaken your negative beliefs, start sorting for information that proves them wrong. You can also actively do something to prove them wrong, e.g. practice talking to people, if you believe you are a bad communicator, take parenting classes, if you believe you are a bad parent, and so on.

Also, pay attention to the information you delete or marginalize. Some of it might be valuable and provide new options for you. Unconscious sorting can narrow your vision to that of a horse with blinders. While in some areas of your life that kind of focus is welcome and needed, in others you want to be more flexible and open-minded.

All the best,

Christoph Schertler
NLP Trainer/Coach - Founder PEC, LLC

About the Author

Christoph Schertler is a certified NLP Trainer and NLP Coach with a passion for helping others to empower themselves and bring forth their power and genius from within. He has trained with some of the biggest names in the field and is a firm believer in the transformational powers of NLP.

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